swimming

some moments
already capture the core of it.

you don’t know someone,
not really,

and yet there’s something strangely familiar
in the way they exist.

not like I’ve met someone like you before,
more like I found something of myself in you.

I see the resemblance from afar
in pieces,
in gestures,
in things I can’t quite name.

And maybe that’s what scares me.

not who you are,
but what I might recognize
if I come any closer.

still, I can’t look away,
even with all this fear
of what might come next.

there is this need
to keep learning how to describe you,
to capture your look
before it disappears into something
I no longer know how to name.

there is a story in you
waiting to be told,
a legend beneath the surface
waiting to be heard.

and I keep reaching for it,
getting tangled in the feeling
even if it means getting doomed.

Getting tangled with you,
even as the water rises,
even as I begin to wonder
whether I am learning how to swim

or only getting ready
to drown.

Needing to Feel

trying to name a feeling

that look you get when curiosity becomes something deeper,
almost transcendent.

Not just wanting to know,
but needing to

Like there’s something hidden in the depth of it,
something I can’t understand yet,
but I still want to reach for

Maybe I’ll follow it too far
Maybe I’ll hear the sirens singing
and let them lead me to my doom

Or maybe, this time,
I’ll be the one singing the song

ability to fail

waiting to fail
while still holding on to every rope
that could keep me from failing

the potential to become everything
but somehow stuck at average
not even able to fail

keeping life as it is
while checking every box
calculating every risk
before making a single move

no feelings
no letting go
nothing raw
nothing real enough to build from

just careful decisions
safe choices
calculated moves

even when I let myself fall into the depths
I've already laid something soft beneath me

protecting myself from failure
so completely
that I never give myself
the chance to become anything more

I have made myself so difficult to destroy 
that I have also 
become difficult to transform

Depth of Helplessness

I have reached
the deepest room of helplessness.

There is one soul
I would shield from every blade,
yet i have nothing. 

I cannot stand between her
and the swords.
I cannot protect
her dreams. 

I have dreams too,
but beside hers,
they feel small.

If her future
must be paid for with mine,
I would leave it. 

Still, I do not know
if my ruin could keep her
city, life alive. 

Because I once dreamed
of staying
of becoming a sanctuary,
a place
where nothing could reach her.

I'm here for her.

But now
I cannot even keep myself above water.

I pour myself into fullness,
and nothing fills.
I empty myself into nothing,
and still, nothing leaves.

For years,
they fed me,
held me,
caught me before I fell.

They were gave me the net beneath my life.

Now the net is gone.

And I am falling
through everything

Tell me

while I am still falling,
can I at least
keep her from falling too?